LA-DE-DA-DE-DA--#10

La-de da-de- da- I am so tired but can't sleep and am punch drunk so I am wandering around saying "la-de da- de da-.Somehow it makes me feel better -somehow it makes me feel like Diane Keaton in her oversize vest, necktie and sloppy pants and  floppy hat. La-de-da de da. Guess what? I am not wearing the above sloppy Diane Keaton costume. I am wearing my flour speckled jeans because in my exhausted despair I decided to make homemade spaghetti. Have you, dear reader, ever made home made spaghetti? Have you ever made homemade spaghetti without a machine, cutting the noodles with a dull knife by hand? I have! La-de da-de da. So here I am swanning around la-de da-ing ever so preppily pretending I’m just down from Harvard -la-de-da-de-da-,speaking carelessly in a fine drawl. It’s two a.m. outside my window is an eerie view of white snow, deserted road sinisterly gleaming with ice, and flower pots on my balcony wearing grotesques hats of six inch snow, but I am, with droopy eyes, queening around la-de-da-ing .Oh it's fun to be punch-drunk with sleeplessness! It's a surprising bonus of old age I did not expect! I always imagined and looked forward to long delicious sleep when I retired and became carefree. Little did I know about this new development. Instead of deliciously sleeping in my bed I can instead go swanning gracefully about la-de-da-ing.How exciting is that? Don’t ever believe old age is boring dear reader-.LA-DE-DA-DE-DA!

K.I.S.S.#9

The other morning while my friend and I were discussing computers over coffee at Starbucks,  . he leaned over and said to me "Remember Laurie , always kiss". “OH” says I "I like that. I can do that! Further more I can always use one"  He said “No I mean K.I.S.S---which translates into “keep it simple, stupid” Remember it, repeat it over and over as a mantra, use it in everything you do in your life, but above all use it when using your computer”. Funnily enough I understood just what he meant, for hadn’t I for months puzzled over that mysterious term “P.C.”? Knowledgeable people i.e. my computer technician on the phone trying to help me, or my annoying savvy friends would ask me where my pc was or what “make my pc was” and I would frantically search  around my computer or thumb through my manual looking for –I don’t know what! Of course I never admitted to not knowing--one never admits ignorance! I would nod and make a mumbled reply. Quite by accident I found out this mysterious term meant “personal computer”. What a revelation that was! Nay-almost an epiphany! So simple! It wasn’t an obscure mechanical device with yards of complex wires connected to my rats- nest wiring mess on the floor, .it wasn’t something magical , and P.C.. didn’t stand for “picoraturational  postefficaratour” It was simply my” personal computer.” From that moment on I relaxed. Computers are basically simple. Not only are they simple they are dumb with no imagination. They were devised to do exactly what we ask it to- no more no less. They are never asked to think! Since that revelation I’ve never looked back. All I have to do is remember to always k.i.s.s. and my computer and I will hum along happily ever after. So dear readers, your Aunty Blogger  advices you to remember to always K.I.S.S a lot and you, your computer and your life will hum along smoothly ever after too!  And so “Goodnight”  xoxo

"Oh God!" #8

O God!! I’ve become serious and pedantic! How did this happen? Where was my surveillance- my inner humour police? Why is it when a writer decides to write "essays" she becomes suddenly transformed into that horrid caricature of time honoured female intellectuals? Here I am suddenly with a bun at the nape of my neck, a midline part in my hair and a beige twin sweater set on over a midcalf skirt with a distinct sag of the hem. Me- that foxy lady in trendy jeans not too tight, but with a refined though sexy allure, and a top that speaks volumes of  exciting though tasteful experience in what can only be the "Crème de la creme" of artistic  fashion? I’m afraid dear  reader, I need to have a long thoughtful pause!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

‘Was I really portraying myself as the epitome of self conscious understated and undermined mouse of spinsterhood in literature? I wish!! To be able to place myself in that exalted exclusive club of females in twin sets is sheer impertinence!  All my life I have longed to be in that club. To be able to carry off that distinct uniform with élan has always been my desire. Especially to be able to hold my profile in a Virginian Wolfe- like angle, with my aristocratic nose and that alluring understated sexy indent between the upper lip and nose. Oh how I envy Virginia that indent! But we are not talking noses or lndents. We are seriously talking about my serious decline into pedantism-a quick and long slippery slope. I need to redeem myself. To take one’s creative art seriously is important but to take oneself seriously while doing it is disastrous. Now I must make something about myself clear! I am definitely not a “foxy” lady in perfectly fitting sexy jeans! I am very sorry to disillusion my faithful and trusting readers, but I am really a rather dumpy woman at present wearing a very loose and shapeless shift and my hair I am sorry to say is a sun faded frizzy red with roots showing. On that note, with bowed head I sign out for tonight.

NONMANAGEMENT WITH ONE'S BRAIN #7

 This is what was said to me as I was going on and on the other day about my dissatisfaction with myself “The trouble with you is when you talk your brain is not engaged, you open your mouth and everything comes tumbling out, you are then in trouble and you can’t go back and unsay it- It is out there, hence you are in difficulty”. What difficulty? How can one not be engaged with one’s brain? Having said that let me go back to my dissatisfaction. The point is I want to go to Vancouver to the art gallery, walk down memory lanes, but above all to be alone, so promptly I phone my friends to tell them of my plans-thereby underlining the fact of my brain nonengagement. The outcome of all this is everyone wants to join me. What to do? I want to be alone and I want to see my friends, but above all I don’t want them to think badly of me, so I say nothing and spend the whole night trying to figure out how I can juggle being alone walking down memory lane and at the same time be with my friends so as not to offend them. That is, have my cake and eat it too. The upshot of all this was a sleepless night and a great sense of worthlessness as I went off to join my longsuffering friend for coffee and bored him with a long meandering tale of my “self dissatisfaction” thereby earning the comment-pithy enough “the trouble with you is when you talk your brain is not engaged and you find yourself in these messes”. Why didn’t he just say” say naught “not that he would under any circumstance say the word “naught” and leave my poor brain alone! Dear reader, why can’t I stop rambling on about my poor brain and why can’t I get my elusive cursor to go to the end of the line? I’ve spent half an hour trying to get it to obey me!  I think I best bid you a frustrated goodnight and go to bed.